Dear Sirs,
I am writing this letter to let you know about a potentional health hazard
that exists in [working place].
I have worked at the [working place] in/at [location] for [time] years. My
Christian upbringing has made it difficult to work there, but I need the
money. I can not tolerate what is being done to the public any longer.
I have seen rotten meat scraped and served. Condiments are not refrigerated
due to the lack of refrigeration space. I have asked the owner to fix the
refrigerator, which often keeps meat no colder than room temperature, but
he refuses. The kitchen is infested with roaches, and the exterminator can
not control them. I am concerned with these things, but am unable to do
anything about them.
I am sure that some of our practices are a violation of law. I sincerely
hope that there is something that you can do about this.
Sincerely yours,
Mr. [President of the company]
I have been employed by your firm for the last three years. I am sure that
you have no idea who I am.
Unfortunately, your supervisor, Mr. [Mark's supervisor], does. Ever since I
have been in his department, my job has been dependent upon my having sexual
relations with him. What I threatened to tell you about this situation, he
told me not to bother since "he knows what's going on."
I implore you to do something about this situation. I do not wish to quit
because Mr. [Mark's supervisor] has informed me that by the time he is
finished, no one in town will hire me.
Thank you in advance
Respectfully yours,
Dear Postal Patron
I am sorry to inform you that I have misdelivered some of your mail. I was a
mistake and I am very sorry for it.
The problem has now been cleared up.
You have ____ [fill handwritten number in there later] pieces of first class
mail at the local post office. If you would please pick them up, it would be
a great help to us.
Thank you for your cooperation. Since the mistake was our fault, we are not
charging you for holding this mail.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Sir,
Please insert the following ad in the paper for the next week.
Yours sincerely
Note:
The mark is the dentist who live at the address of the company. Call
The police and complaining about your minor child acting crazy (i.e,
light headed, giggles, etc.) Indicate somehow that he walk past the
dentist's office on the way home from school.
Dear Sir,
Recently, a local doctor, Mr. [Mark], offered to sell me some photos that he
had taken of some of his female patients. I am not ranting on Dr [Mark]. In
fact, I shall not testify if called to court. I would, however, like the
answers to some questions.
Most sincerely yours
Gentlemen,
I have only been driving a bus for [district] for a short time, and am
unaware of some of your policies. Therefore, I need some guidance.
On [date], I found a paper sack in my bus. This sack contained $2564. I
do not know what to do with it.
If you would please assist me in this matter, I should be most grateful.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Sir,
I am appalled by the apparent attitude of your paper that the police
of this town are lazy, inconsiderate, bigots who do nothing when they
aren't beating up on the citizens.
Let me set the record straight. The police department of this town
does a damned fine job considering what (or, perhaps who) they have
to work with.
A good majority of the people who live in [Town] are slime-bags. Those
that do have the foggiest idea what is going on don't give a damn. For
the most part, they are rude, inconsiderate, and have little or no
respect for the law.
Then we have the mayor. He is a spineless administrator who is afraid
to hire decent enforcement. He is playing politics with the police
department.
So, before you criticize, try to see things from our point of view.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Sir,
I would like to have you fumigate our [n]-story, [n] unit
apartment complex on [date]. The total area is [n] square feet.
I am making this request this far in advance because I am to take an
extended vacation next Friday and the tenants have already been adviced
that they will have to vacate the week of the 15th.
If you have any questions, please contact me at the Hilton in south
Paris.
Most respectfully yours
Dear Mr. and Mrs. [parent],
I am concerned about your son [name]. Never in my career of teaching
have I ever run across a child with problems like his!
I am not a psychiatrist. After [n] years of teaching, however, I have
developed the ability to recognize a mentally disturbed child. I believe
that [name] is such a child.
I recommend that you seek professional help for your child at once. His
behavior is far beyond the realm of destructiveness. I can offer no other
solutions.
I sincerely hope that you take my advice and have [name] evaluated. He
would be a fine little man were it not for his bizarre behavior.
Most respectfully yours,
Dear Mr. [Editor]
I do not approve of pornography. I feel that it goes against God's laws. I
do not feel, however, that your work, Gay Women In Love, is pornography.
Rather, I feel that it acts as an informational tool. It is well written,
and well illustrated. It is for this reason that I recommend it to those
who ask me about lesbianism.
Do not feel that the religious would is against you. We are against
pornographers. Your magazine is a public service, and I shall continue
to recommend it to those with questions.
May God bless you.
Sincerely yours,
Mrs [Mark's mother]
Although I have never met you, I feel as though I know you through your son
[mark].
I am writing you because I feel that someone must know the truth behind my
death. To be perfectly frank, you are the only person that I can trust.
By the time you get this letter, I will be dead. Hopefully, it will look
like natural causes. In actuality, it was suicide.
I lived with your son for several years. I loved him. I couldn't bear to
live without him. When he left me for someone who was half the man that I
am, it was all I could take. That is why I killed myself.
Please, keep this a secret. I am insured, but they won't pay for suicide.
Tell your son that I love him and forever forgive him.
Sincerely,
Gentlemen,
As per your instructions, I returned the 250,000 pieces of your item
[n]. I have a receipt that shows that they arrived at your warehouse
on the [date].
My question is quite simple, where is our check? We waited two weeks
before returning this crap, as you said that you wouldn't be able to
return our money before that time. Please remit your payment at once;
we need money too.
Sincerely yours
Dear Mr. [Mark]
I am sorry to inform you that our stores have decided to stop carrying
your line. This decision has been made after long consideration and
thought.
We are ceasing to carry your products due to their low quality, high
prices, and your slack service. We shall find a manufacturer with a
policy that is more palatable to our company.
Please cancel all orders that have not been filled and submit your
final bill to us.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Mrs. [Wife]
I am very sorry to learn of your husband's death. I am even sorrier to
inform you that we can not pay his $100,000 death benefit.
Our investigation has ruled that his death was a suicide. We even think
that you might be involved in his purchasing this extra insurance just
prior to his death. Since we can not prove this, however, we have
decided not to prosecute you.
Sincerely yours
Dear Sir,
Please run the following ad, with a small border around it, in [a day]'s
papers.
Thank you,
Dear Sir,
This is to inform you that your water bill is two months overdue.
Our previous notices have gone unheeded.
If you do not remit a check within three days, we shall be forced
to discontinue your water services.
Thanking you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely yours,
Gentlemen,
As provided for in the terms of our contract, I am not going to renew
our contract at its termination.
This change is due to your poor service and inflated wholesale prices.
This is your official notice as required in our contract. After the
date of expiration, we wish to do no further business with you.
Sincerely yours,
Gentlemen,
I would like for you to arrange a tour to Paris for 20-30 adults.
It would be preferable if the tour could last from 7-10 days. We would
need to leave on April 17.
We need prices and itineraries as soon as possible. We are interested
in the price range $1700-$2800 per person.
Thanking you in advance for your cooperation.
Dear Mr. [2'nd mark]
Congratulations!!! As you are well aware, [mark] has been running its
[contest name] contest for three months now.
It is my pleasure to let you know that you have won the [contest name]
super prize, a [this year] [car name].
Please show up at [local car sales] on [date] to claim your
prize. Be forewarned, we will ask you to say a few words, which will be
transmitted live to our listening audience. Also, the press will show, so
wear something nice.
Congratulations!
Jealously yours,
Gentlemen,
As I was driving by your store yesterday, I noticed your nice parking
lot. The new paving really looks sharp.
I regret to inform you, however, that part of this pretty parking lot
does not conform to railroad standards. As your deed clearly states, 250
feet of DIRT must exist between the railroad track and anything else.
Your parking lot is not in compliance.
Please correct this problem within 72 hours, and we will not take this
action to court.
Sincerely yours,
Gentlemen,
Enclosed you will find my [name] card. It is enclosed because of your
poor method of doing business.
For 18%, you'd think that you could provide a little better service.
This is not the case. My wife's card was stolen several weeks ago. Due
to your inept operator, I have been declared responsible for $40.00 worth
of charges that I did not make.
Therefore, I've enclosed my own credit card. I shan't carry a card whose
issueist cares so very little.
Sincerely yours,
Note: one of the ideas here is to forget to seal the envelope, the CC
company will think that it got lost in the mail.
Greetings,
Our national inspection crew will be visiting your park on [date].
Therefore, it will be necessary for you to close from [+- one day from
date].
We know that this well be both a pain and costly. You can be sure that
it is not our idea. It is by federal regulation that each park must be
certified. We just do as we are told.
Looking forward to seeing you. Perhaps we can make this waste of time a
little more profitable by discussing future plans.
Sincerely yours,
Gentlemen,
As part of their promotion, [the mark, a bar], [where it is at]
has hired us to produce 5000 replica bottle seals. While these seals are
to be used on souvenir bottles, they have requested them to look
authentic.
If you would send us a replica of the Treasure Department's seal, as
well as any other information that you think we might need, we'd be
most grateful.
Sincerely yours,
Management team,
This is confidential information. Be prepared to bail out. Get everything
ready so that the entire crew can come home by the end of next week.
I can't tell you why, this is private information. I don't care what you
tell the workers, but don't panic them. Don't mention a word about this,
not even to me (who knows who's listening to our conversations?) Wind the
show down and be read to leave on my command.
Shred this letter.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Population,
Taxes are too damned high! I feel the bite each time I make a purchase.
I love each and every penny that I earn, and I hate to give them up.
I also note that our city needs more services. We are lagging behind
in almost every area. This is why I am going to propose and extra 2%
sales tax, increase personal property taxes by 7% and increase the city
income tax by 7%.
These additional taxes may hurt. We have no other alternative. I urge
each and every one of you to back me in this effort.
Respectfully yours,
Dear Social Security Recipient
It is with great regret that we inform you of a general cut in social
security benefits. These cuts are over all and will affect everyone.
Effective [date], your benefits will be reduced by 18%. Your check will
reflect this change.
Sincerely yours,
Sir,
This is to inform you of charges pending by the [country/name of service]
against your firm.
You will appear in our headquarters, with all mail received by your firm
over the last year, at 8 AM on [date]. Your failure to do so will result
in a judgment being issues against you.
If you have any questions, you may call
[just use a phone box number here]
between 9:30AM and 1:00 PM Monday through Friday.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Mr. [Mark]
Enclosed you will find a strip of bacon similar to those that are being
sold in local supermarkets. We have reason to believe that it is a
potential heal hazard.
If you would please sample it (feel free to prepare it to your liking) and
let us know about any ill effects that you suffer, we would be most grateful.
We have chosen you for this project because your family and friends have
indicated that your life is of little value anyway.
Yours in a patriotic way,
Gentlemen,
We are prepared to offer you $25,000 for your property. We feel that
this is a fair offer.
If we have not heard from you within 7 days, we will start condemnation
procedure in District Court.
Respectfully yours,
Dear Sir,
We are most upset to hear of the resignation of your chief of police.
From what we read in the papers, he was a good man.
He has applied for a job as Chief of Security with our firm. Ha has
informed us that you would recommend him. If you would send your letter
within the next two weeks, it would really help us out. I would hire
him today, but our investors want more proof.
Respectfully yours,
Gentlemen,
It has been brought to our attention that you have been engaged in a
practice of not making very careful records. In short, your scam is up.
We are well aware of your practices.
We aren't amused. We want to know who has been paying you to falsify
burial records and we want to know now. If you choose not to speak
voluntarily, we will take the following actions against you. We will
haul each and every one of you into court on fraud charges. We'll
close you down long enough to exhume and positively identify each and
every body that is buried on the premises.
We trust that we will be hearing from you within the next 48 hours.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Sir,
I drove by your house yesterday and was most impressed with your addition
of a second story. The place really looks sharp.
You neglected to tell us that you had built this addition. It did increase
the value of your house, and you had a legal obligation to inform us of it.
We have upped the evaluation of your house by 35%. You now owe us an
additional $700. If you remit it within the next 3 days we'll just forget
about your oversight.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Sir,
We have warned you to clean up your act. The [County name] County Sheriff
has warned you to clean up your act. You have chosen to ignore our
warnings.
As of this date, your license to serve beer, wine and food is revoked. You
will not be reinstated. If you continue operations, you will be arrested.
Hopefully you will be arrested anyway.
You have a nice day now.
Respectfully yours,
Gentlemen,
The school board is most pleased with the service that you have
provided. Throughout the years, your deliveries to the school
cafeterias have been very good.
We are now changing our system. Instead of delivering small quantities
to each school, we would like to have everything delivered to our main
office (on [address]). This will enable us to keep better records, as
well as consolidate some of our staff.
Please start delivering your goods to our main office at once. We no
longer will accept deliveries at the individual schools.
Respectfully yours,
Dear Sir,
Enclosed, please find the final payment of our settlement. It's been three
years since I was caught, and let me add that I shan't be caught again.
Enclosed you will find my final certified check, made payable to cash just
like all the others, in the amount of $5000.
I sincerely hope that you have grown richer; I haven't.
Sincerely yours,
Note: do not seal the letter]
Gentlemen,
We will have one of our officers at your school on [date] at
[time]
to give a presentation entitled "Safety and you." It is a two hour presentation
and is geared for school aged children.
This is, of course, part of the governor's safety program.
We won't need anything from you except a place to plug in our slide
projector.
We'll see you [date].
Sincerely yours,
[Sender: The mark who is a waitress]
[Recipient: Inspector working in the health department, also send a copy
to her boss, put the copy inside a health Dept. envelope. ]
[Sender: Mark who is a co-worker in a larger company]
[Recipient: President of the company, send a copy to a local newspaper to
make the company a secondary mark]
[Sender: Mark who is a mail carrier]
[Recipient: J. Random resident]
[Sender: Faked company, preferably make it sound like they deal with
chemicals]
[Recipient: Newspaper -> classifies section ]
Let the good time roll. 20 lb thanks nitrous oxide (for making your own
whipped cream) $40.00. [faked company's address], adults only.
Please find enclose full payment for this.
[Sender: secondary mark, or a false name]
[Recipient: the closest district attorney]
Your answer to these questions shall be most welcome. I am an honest
publisher, who wishes to continue to operate within the law. My own attorney
suggested that I contact you to be certain that any actions taken by me were
lawful.
[Mark who is a buss drive]
[Local transportation authorities]
[Officer or Sgt. of the police force, AKA the mark]
[Local newspaper]
[Mark who is a landlord]
[A local exterminator Corp.]
[Mark who is a teacher]
[Parents of one of his kids]
[Mark who is a Reverend]
[Publisher of a Gay Woman in Love magazine. The aim is to get the
publisher to print the letter in the next edition of the magazine]
[3'rd party who just died, male, etc. could also be a bogus name]
[Mark's mother]
[Sender who either is a bogus firm or a secondary mark]
[Main mark]
[Sender is a department store]
[Recipient is one of his suppliers. Send to all of them if you want to]
[Mark who is an Insurance Company]
[Wife of a man who newly died. Note: Her husband did not commit suicide,
nor was he insured by this insurance company]
[Mark who is a private school]
[Advertising Editor, local newspaper]
[Mark, the school] is sorry to announce that it has lost its
accreditation. We will, however, continue to provide the high
quality of education that we have always provided. We are in
the process of regaining our accreditation, so this situation
is only temporarily.
Please send us the bill.
[Mark who is the water Dept. or just provider of water]
[Manager at random apt. or secondary mark]
[Mark who is a gas station]
[Mark's oil distributors]
[Secondary mark or false name]
[Primary mark who is a travel agency]
[Mark who is a radio station]
[Secondary mark, or random individuals]
[Mark who is a railway service]
[Store owner or someone who could get really hostile]
[secondary mark, preferably a real nasty person]
[credit card company, the primary mark]
[Mark who owns an amusement park]
[Authororties or someone else appropriate, e.g. fake name]
[A printer or a secondary mark]
[Government (could be Bureau of Alcohol, Tires and Flares)]
[Mark I, business in your country]
[Mark II, same business, working with import/export in a different country]
An open letter to the people of [town].
[Social Security Dept.]
[send it to newspapers, senior citizens groups, etc]
[Mark who is the postal service]
[secondary mark, preferably a resourceful company]
[Sender is the government health department.]
[Mark]
[Your country's department of defense who is the mark]
[Everyone within the closest area of the military base should get a
copy of this letter, don't forget the media]
[Security company - guard company etc.]
[Local Mayor, the mark is the police Dept.]
[Mark who is the county coroner]
[Local memorial park, etc]
[Mark who is a property appraiser]
[Mark II]
[Mark who is the Dept. of licenses]
[Company that serve beer, wine, etc]
[Mark who is a public school]
[One of their distributors, in this case the suppliers for the cafeteria]
[On-existing company]
[Mark who is the local TAX collector]
[mark who is the highway patrol]
[local elementary school]